Teaching Consent as a Core Self-Advocacy Skill for Neurodivergent Kids

Teaching consent to neurodivergent kids helps build self-advocacy and confidence. This post explores how to ask for and give consent, recognize coercion, and support children in setting healthy boundaries.

Teaching Consent Supports Self-Advocacy

Have you ever paused before hugging a child and asked, “May I give you a hug?”

That tiny question models something powerful: consent.

We often hear about consent in the context of intimate relationships, but its meaning is much broader. It’s about respect, communication, and choice in all kinds of interactions. It’s also a core self-advocacy skill.

When we teach kids self-advocacy, we’re helping them recognize their needs, understand that their voice matters, and speak up for themselves. They learn that they get to make choices about their bodies, their time, and their comfort. And they can give – or not give – their consent.

Consent means actively giving or withholding permission. A yes, a nod, or another clear signal communicates agreement. A no, head shake, or silence means consent isn’t given, and that a boundary deserves respect.

From toddlerhood to teenage years, consent is something we can model and revisit again and again. For young children, it might mean asking before hugs or teaching them it’s okay to say “no” to tickling. For older kids, it might mean talking about consent before sharing photos online or discussing how to respond when someone pressures them to do something they don’t want to do.

In this post, we’ll unpack what consent means, explore how teaching consent supports self-advocacy skills, and discuss situations when boundaries are crossed.

Let’s start by exploring how boundaries and consent work together.

How Consent Connects to Boundaries and Self-Advocacy

In a previous post, we looked at communication skills and setting boundaries as foundational pieces of self-advocacy for neurodivergent kids. And in another, we look at honoring strengths and needs, all a part of self-advocacy, too.

Boundaries are how we express what’s okay and what’s not okay for us. They include the physical, emotional, and mental limits that help us feel safe and respected.

Setting boundaries communicates what we need in order to feel comfortable, secure, and cared for.

Boundaries and consent work hand in hand. When we give consent, we’re choosing to let someone cross a boundary in a way that feels safe – like saying yes to a hug. When we say no, we’re letting others know that the boundary stands.

Boundaries define our limits, and consent is how we decide when and how others can interact with those limits.

Understanding this connection also means recognizing that boundaries and consent don’t always look or sound the same for everyone. Kids – especially neurodivergent kids – might express their comfort or discomfort in different ways.

For example, a child might cover their ears, step back, or go quiet when something feels uncomfortable. Those actions are just as valid as saying no. Likewise, leaning in, reaching out, or showing curiosity can be ways a child signals yes. Part of teaching consent is helping kids recognize these cues – both in themselves and in others.

As kids begin practicing these skills, situations can become more nuanced. At first, consent might seem straightforward. But in practice, it’s more layered. Understanding those layers helps us teach kids what real, respectful consent looks and feels like.

Let’s break consent down into clear, teachable parts.

The Five Key Components of Consent  

Consent is about checking in – with ourselves and with others – to make sure everyone feels comfortable and willing.

One of the clearest ways to understand consent comes from a framework created by Planned Parenthood ¹, which outlines five key parts.

I’ve adapted those ideas below to apply more broadly to everyday relationships and to help children and families practice consent in daily life.

1. Freely Given

Consent means saying yes because we want to – not because we’re being pressured, guilted, or are afraid to say no.

Real consent can only happen when everyone feels safe and free to make their own choice. That

sense of safety can be emotional as well as physical.

For example, if your child agrees to play a game only because their friend threatens to stop being friends otherwise, that isn’t consent. It’s pressure.

2. Reversible

Anyone can change their mind at any time, even in the middle of an activity. Teaching kids this idea helps them understand that it’s okay to speak up if something stops feeling right.

They might say, “I don’t want to play anymore.” Or they might pull away from a touch that felt fine a moment ago. The important part is that we respect their change of mind right away — and show them that it’s normal and okay to do so.

3. Informed

We can’t give consent unless we understand what we’re agreeing to. That means knowing the details before saying yes.

If someone wants to share your child’s photo online, for example, your child should know where it will be posted and who can see it before agreeing. Checking for understanding – rather than assuming someone is comfortable – is an important part of informed consent.

4. Enthusiastic

Consent should feel like a “Yes, I want to!” – not a hesitant shrug or a quiet “okay.”

If someone looks uncomfortable, goes silent, or seems unsure, that’s not consent.

We can model how to check in when things feel unclear. For instance, you might say, “You moved away when I sat close to you. That tells me you need space — is that right?” Or, “You got quiet when I asked that question. It’s okay if you don’t want to talk about it now. Should we check in later?”

5. Specific

Saying yes to one thing doesn’t mean saying yes to everything.

Saying yes to a high-five doesn’t mean yes to a hug, and saying yes to a game doesn’t mean yes to roughhousing.

Consent is tied to a particular action and moment. It needs to be renewed for each new situation.

¹ Adapted from Planned Parenthood’s “FRIES” model of consent: Freely given, Reversible, Informed, Enthusiastic, and Specific.

Understanding these five parts of consent helps kids recognize when they’re giving real consent and when someone might be ignoring or pressuring them. It also helps them respect other people’s choices with empathy and awareness, building relationships rooted in trust and mutual care.

Once we understand what real consent looks like, the next step is helping kids practice it: how to ask permission, how to read someone’s cues, and how to respond when the answer is no.

Asking for Consent and Responding Respectfully

We all have a right to our own bodies. We have a right to feel comfortable in our relationships and to say yes before anything involving us – our touch, our image, or our information – is shared.

Teaching kids to ask before they act helps make this right visible in daily life. Here are a few examples of ways to check in and ask for consent in everyday situations:

• “Can I hold your hand?”

  
  

• “Would you like to play that game together?”

  
  

• “I’d like to share this photo of us on Instagram. Are you okay with that?”

  
  

• “A friend of mine wants to connect with you. May I give them your number?”

Each question gives the other person a chance to make a choice – and teaches that consent is always about choice.

The next step is learning how to handle the answer.

• In response, someone might say, “Yes!” – That’s consent.

• They might say, “No.” – That’s not consent.

• Or they might provide an alternative: “I’m not comfortable with hugs. You can give me fist bumps instead.” – That’s consent to fist bumps only.

Sometimes, people communicate their answer without words. A nonverbal no might look like pulling away, stiffening, shaking their head, or going quiet. These cues matter just as much as spoken words — and helping kids notice and respect them is a key part of consent education.

Reading and expressing these cues can take practice. They might be new to kids who haven't been explicitly taught them early on.

We can model consent by naming what we observe and showing how to respond with respect.

For example:

•  “You frowned when I tried to playfully tease you. That tells me it's not funny to you, and I'll stop.”

Or we can respond by affirming kids' boundaries:

• “Thanks for letting me know that you don't want my help. I'll take a step back and will help if you ask.”

This kind of response shows children that no is okay, and that relationships stay kind and respectful when boundaries are set.

It’s also important to recognize mixed signals. Sometimes a child may say okay, but their body language shows discomfort. In those moments, it’s best to pause and check in rather than assume consent has been given.

Modeling consent matters beyond the home, too. In school settings, when adults touch, move, or physically control a child without permission – even with good intentions – it can feel frightening and disempowering. For some neurodivergent kids, repeated loss of control can lead to lasting anxiety or trauma. And when peers witness those moments, they may unconsciously learn that some children’s bodies or choices matter less — sending the harmful message that consent isn’t required for everyone.

This pattern reflects a broader societal issue: disabled people are often at greater risk of being disrespected, exploited, or harmed. By modeling respect for every child’s autonomy, educators and caregivers can push back against that message and show that everyone deserves dignity, safety, and choice.

Whether it happens in relationships or larger systems, ignoring consent can take many forms. Sometimes people pressure, manipulate, or try to control others – a behavior known as coercion.

Let’s take a closer look at how to recognize it.

Understanding Coercion and Respecting Boundaries

In healthy relationships, consent is freely given, respected, and ongoing. Coercion, on the other hand, happens when someone applies pressure to get us to do something we don’t want to do — a sign that a boundary isn’t being honored.

Coercion can take many forms – verbal, emotional, or even physical – and sometimes it can be subtle. Here are a few examples:

• Someone keeps pressuring us after we’ve clearly said no.

• Someone uses guilt or manipulation. For example, "If you really cared about me, you'd do this."

• Someone uses physical control, even after resistance or a verbal refusal.

• Someone makes emotional threats or insists we comply because of a favor or gift they gave us.

Coercion can occur in any kind of relationship — with friends, family members, teachers, or peers. Recognizing these patterns helps kids see that coercion isn’t always obvious, but it’s never okay.

When kids understand this, they’re better able to push back, seek help, and reassert their boundaries — knowing that a healthy relationship never depends on giving in to pressure.

Learning to spot coercion strengthens their self-advocacy skills and reinforces a powerful truth: their choices matter, their comfort is valid, and they always have the right to say no — without fear, guilt, or pressure.

Building Self-Advocacy Through Teaching Consent

Consent matters.

It’s just one word, but it carries deep meaning – and it’s essential for healthy relationships and strong self-advocacy.

Teaching consent can begin early, simply by modeling respect for children’s choices. As kids grow, those lessons naturally extend to friendships, online spaces, everyday interactions, and intimate relationships. Each conversation and check-in builds their understanding that their voice has power — and that boundaries and consent help protect their comfort, safety, and sense of self.

When we model this as parents, we show our children that respect goes both ways — that their boundaries deserve care, and so do ours. Over time, those moments of modeling and conversation help them grow into confident, compassionate advocates for themselves and others.

Jen with Cool Wiring

Author’s Note

I’m a neurodivergent mom raising neurodivergent kids, and I’ve spent years working at the intersection of health, safety, and empowerment. I hold a Master of Science in Community Health with a focus on sexual violence prevention, and I’ve taught comprehensive self-defense courses to college students covering consent, boundaries, communication, and healthy relationships.

I bring both lived experience and professional expertise to help families navigate these important conversations with confidence and compassion.

Further Resources

For more guidance on teaching consent and broader sexual health topics for neurodivergent teens, check out the Organization for Autism Research – Sex Ed for Self‑Advocates site. They offer a guide on Consent, as well as a Full Guide with nine topics.