Empowering Our Neurodivergent Kids: Foundations of Self-Advocacy Through Communication Skills and Setting Boundaries
- Jen
- Oct 17, 2025
- 9 min read
Updated: Nov 6, 2025
This post supports parents and caregivers in helping their neurodivergent children build self-advocacy skills through communication strategies, setting boundaries, and the power of saying “no.” It is one post of a series on self-advocacy.
In 2019, disabled people were victims of violent crime at nearly four times the rate of those without disabilities (Harrell, 2021). As a parent of neurodivergent children, that statistic is alarming, but it also motivates me to make sure my kids develop self-advocacy skills. These skills are essential for long-term safety and well-being.
Too often, our kids are taught to comply rather than advocate. But compliance without consent or autonomy isn’t safety. It’s vulnerability.
Self-advocacy means understanding your needs, believing they are valid, and communicating them with confidence. It’s more than a skill. It’s a form of protection, and a path to self-worth.
In this post, I’ll share how we can begin teaching self-advocacy at home, starting with three foundational tools: clear communication, setting boundaries, and the power of saying “no.”
The Harm of Forced Compliance
When my autistic child was physically escorted by adults multiple times at elementary school – or, as he described it, dragged to the in-school suspension room – he wasn’t being “disciplined.”
He was being taught that saying “no” wasn’t allowed.
That his body wasn’t his own.
That resisting made him “bad” and singled out.
That he was the problem.
These harmful lessons weren’t isolated. They were modeled and reinforced by other adults who witnessed the incidents and chose not to intervene or offer healthier support. The message to him – and to every peer watching – was clear: compliance is expected, even at the cost of autonomy and dignity.
We have to unteach this conditioning. Instead, we must help our kids build the skills – and the confidence – to speak up, to assert boundaries, and to know that their voices matter. We have to teach self-advocacy.
Self-advocacy skills take time, practice, and repetition to develop. And one of the best places to start is with understanding and using “I” statements.
“I” Statements: A Foundation for Speaking Up
A powerful communication tool we can teach our kids is how to use “I” statements. These statements help children take ownership of their feelings and needs – without blaming others – and are a foundational skill for self-advocacy.
What’s an “I” Statement?
An “I” statement helps a person:
Describe a specific behavior
Name how it makes them feel
State what they need or want to happen next
This three-part structure is taught in Total Empowerment: A Women’s Self-Defense Handbook by Ryron and Rener Gracie (2011), and I've adapted it for kids and teens with options for setting boundaries or opening dialogue to gain more information.
Two Types of “I” Statements: Setting Boundaries or Opening Dialogue
First, a boundary is a way of saying what’s okay and what’s not okay. For example: "Don't hug me, but I'm okay with fist bumps." We set boundaries to protect ourselves and communicate our needs and limits. We’ll explore this more in the next section.
“I” statements are important for setting boundaries, but not every “I” statement ends with a firm boundary. Sometimes, an “I” statement is about opening up a conversation to better understand a situation.
Let’s look at both types.
Opening Up a Conversation Example
“When you say you’ll hang out with me at recess but then go play kickball with other kids, I feel left out. Can you help me understand why that happens?”
This “I” statement opens a conversation, rather than immediately setting a limit (or boundary). It shows the speaker wants clarity, not just change.
Setting a Boundary Example
“I feel frustrated when you borrow money and don’t pay me back. Don’t ask me anymore.”
This “I” statement sets a clear boundary with don't ask me anymore.
Do You Always Have to Say How You Feel?
“I” statements do not have to involve stating how you feel. We can skip the emotional part and go straight to the need or request. For example:
“You can come over after school, but no teasing my brother.”
“I want to hang out with you, but I need to finish my homework first.”
"I understand your concern, but I'm sticking with my decision."
These are valid and assertive “I” statements that don't need any feeling added.
Practice Makes It Easier
Saying “I” statements might feel awkward at first, especially for kids who are used to feeling as if they must comply. Feeling awkward is okay. Practice helps.
We can:
Write “I” statements out in advance
Role-play with a parent or trusted adult
Start with low-stakes situations
For my youngest son, we've been practicing "I" statements with our dog, a dog who likes to sneak into my kid's room, steal a toy, and run off with it. "I don't want you in my room," my son tells the dog. "Stay in the hallway." The dog listens, sits in the hallway, and watches my kid play LEGO. Practicing "I" statements with the dog is a low-stakes situation that gives me kid practice in an environment that feels comfortable.
“I” Statements vs. “You” Statements
It’s easy to slip into “You” statements, especially when we’re upset.
“You always ignore me at lunch!”
“You’re so rude!”
But these examples of “You” statements can trigger defensiveness and escalate tension.
Compare them to:
“I feel ignored at lunch. I would like to sit with you tomorrow. Are you up for that?”
This second version invites a conversation instead of an argument. It gives the other person space to respond honestly.
And that response might not be what we hoped for. A friend might say no. That’s hard – but it also gives us useful information. If someone repeatedly dismisses our needs or feelings, it may be a sign the relationship isn’t healthy or mutual.
Self-advocacy helps our kids learn not just how to speak up – but also who listens when they do. It’s just as important to notice the people who hear us, and to nurture relationships built on mutual respect and understanding.
“I” statements help our kids express what they’re experiencing without blaming others. This type of communication is a key part of building confident, respectful self-advocates.
Next, we’ll explore boundaries in more detail.
Boundaries: Saying What’s Okay and What’s Not
Boundaries are the physical, emotional, and mental limits we set through communication to protect our well-being.
Simply put: boundaries help us say what we’re okay with – and what we’re not.
We use boundaries in all types of relationships: with friends, family, teachers, coworkers, dating partners, and more.
Boundaries are essential for self-advocacy. They allow us to say:
“This is what I need.”
“This is what feels safe.”
“This is what I will or won’t accept.”
Healthy Boundaries = Healthy Relationships
When someone respects our boundaries, it creates space for trust, safety, and mutual respect. These are the foundations of any healthy relationship.
But not everyone will respect our boundaries. Some people may ignore, dismiss, or even push against them. That’s valuable information. When someone repeatedly crosses a boundary, it’s often a sign that the relationship may not be safe or balanced.
Examples of Boundaries in Action
Here are a few ways kids or teens might express their boundaries (notice how they're all "I" statements, too):
“I shut down when people raise their voices. I need a calm tone when we talk.”
“I feel overloaded trying to learn when music is playing. I need a quiet place to focus.”
“I don’t like to be touched. Please don’t hug me.”
“You can borrow my markers, but I need them back by the end of the day.”
“I want to play, but only if we take turns picking the game.”
These statements are clear, direct, and assertive. They don’t blame or attack. They simply communicate a limit.
Next, let’s look at another critical part of self-advocacy: saying no, and recognizing that no doesn’t need an explanation.
The Power of No
“No.”
That’s a complete sentence.
It doesn’t require an explanation. It doesn’t need to be softened or justified. It simply means: I don’t want to. I’m not comfortable. I’m setting a boundary.
And that’s enough.
When someone ignores or dismisses our no, they’re sending a loud message: they may not respect our boundaries – or our well-being. That’s a red flag, especially for our neurodivergent kids who already may struggle to assert themselves.
Why It’s So Hard to Say No
Society doesn’t make it easy for kids to say no. From an early age, they’re taught to:
“Be polite.”
“Don’t make a scene.”
“Go along with things to get along with others.”
Even well-meaning adults often send messages that override a child’s instincts:
“Hug your teacher.”
“Just go to the party! It’ll be fun!”
“You need to be more flexible.”
“Stop making a big deal out of it.”
But sometimes, doing what we’re told feels wrong. It pushes past our comfort zone. It ignores our sensory needs. It tells us to tolerate what we shouldn’t have to.
Saying No Is a Safety Skill
Instead of teaching automatic compliance, we can teach our kids that saying no is a form of self-protection, whether it’s:
Declining a hug
Leaving a loud or overwhelming space
Refusing to participate in something that feels unsafe, uncomfortable, or overwhelming
Their no deserves to be heard and respected.
Modeling Respect for No at Home
We can model respecting no in small, everyday moments:
If your child says, “I don’t want a hug right now,” respond with: “Thanks for telling me." And don't go for a hug.
If they say “no” to an activity, you might explore why – without pushing them to change their answer. And if they don’t want to tell you why, then respect their “no” and trust that they know what they need.
These moments teach our kids that their voice matters.
Self-advocacy includes saying no and trusting that it will be honored. Let’s empower our kids to say no with confidence, and let’s help them recognize when someone truly respects that boundary.
A Foundation for Self-Advocacy: Helping Neurodivergent Kids Develop Communication Skills and Set Boundaries
“I” statements, clear boundaries, and the power of saying no – these aren’t just communication skills – they’re also foundational pieces of self-advocacy that help our neurodivergent kids stay safe, feel seen, and move through the world with more confidence.
Too often, these skills aren’t taught. Instead, many of our neurodivergent kids are expected to comply, tolerate discomfort, and prioritize fitting in over speaking up. And over time, this is the type of message that sticks: Your needs don’t matter. Your voice is too much. Your “no” won’t be respected.
But those messages? We can unteach them – and replace with something better.
By modeling self-advocacy at home, honoring our kids’ boundaries, and encouraging them to speak up (even when it’s hard), we begin to build a stronger foundation. One rooted in self-worth, trust, and resilience.
We’re not just teaching skills. We’re also teaching our kids to believe this: “My needs are valid. My voice matters. I have the right to take up space.”
This post is only the beginning. As we continue this series on self-advocacy, we explore how to help kids understand consent and how to help kids identify and honor their strengths and needs.
Ultimately, self-advocacy isn’t something our kids have to figure out alone. It’s about having both the confidence and the tools to speak up – and knowing that the right people will listen and provide support.
Sometimes, it takes time to find those “right people.” But they’re out there.
In time, my kids will grow into the power of being their own best advocates. It's a process. It's a journey. And I continue to learn with my kids along the way.
Jen with Cool Wiring
Author’s Note
I'm a neurodivergent mom raising neurodivergent kids. My professional background includes a Master of Science degree in Community Health, with a focus on sexual violence prevention. For years, I’ve taught comprehensive women’s self-defense to high school and college students, emphasizing skills like boundary-setting, communication, trusting intuition, and situational awareness.
The self-advocacy skills I’ve taught in classrooms are the same ones I’m now using to support my own kids at home. My goal is to help parents, caregivers, and neurodivergent youth build confidence, set boundaries, and speak up for their needs – safely and effectively.
Works Cited
Harrell, E. (2021, November). Crime against persons with disabilities, 2009–2019 – Statistical tables (NCJ 301367). U.S. Department of Justice, Bureau of Justice Statistics. https://bjs.ojp.gov/content/pub/pdf/capd0919st.pdf
Gracie, R., & Gracie, R. (2011). Total empowerment: A women’s self-defense handbook. https://health-education-human-services.wright.edu/sites/health-education-human-services.wright.edu/files/page/attachments/WE-handbook.pdf
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